Barney's Worst Day Ever
by StupidSequel
Summary: Barney the purple dinosaur falls victim to various misfortunes and tortures, some way worse than others. This fic is intended for haters who are past the intended age.


**Barney's Worst Day Ever**

"I love you, you love me," Barney sang his song of memetic status to everyone. All the kids were basking in the warm glow of his affection. Little did he know that he was being watched by sniping teenagers who were way beyond the intended age demographic for Barney.

"It's about time, he just has to move into position," one of them said.

Barney held a pair of safety scissors. "Kids, you shouldn't run with scissors. It can only end very badly." Just then he heard what sounded like a cat screeching in agony. "I'M COMIN'" Barney ran toward the injured cat, forgetting to put the scissors down first. He tripped over his own tail and landed on the blade of the scissors, which went right thru him. The 'meow' turned out to be merely a tape recorder. "Hey, I've been had!" He walked back to the little house thingie with the scissors still inside him. His tummy was grumbling. "oh, I just remembered, it's lunch time, but first would someone please take these scissors out of me?" One of the teens came out of hiding, grabbed the scissors, and instead of pulling it out by gripping the handles, they just pushed it the rest of the way through, leaving a visible hole through Barney's upper chest. Two of the teens high-fived.

During lunch, Barney was given a salad. "Eating healthy is one of the most important things you can do for your body. I want you all to eat healthy because I love you all so much!" he said in a heartwarming tone. Everyone was eating huge bacon sculptures deep fried. Barney took a bite of his salad and gagged. "What the hell?" Upon closer examination, the 'Parmesan' cheese was actually sprinkled bits of cocaine. Barney was spaced out on a drug trip. Two of the teenagers were giggling, giving each other the high five.

Barney was teaching a cooking class when one of the teenagers shoved him into the oven. He came out as a black dinosaur. Later, Barney was teaching a yoga class when suddenly the phone rang. He answered with, "Whoever you are, I love you so much."

"Hi, cutie! I wanna be your girlfriend." A breathy, feminine voice was on the other end, speaking to him softly. Barney was turned on.

"I'm all in! Where to?" Barney sounded excited.

"At the Barnes and Noble on south 8th street. They have copies of the sixth Warriors: Omen of the Stars book, and according to Wikipedia, it's called 'Rise of the robot pirates.'" Barney hung up, dressed himself up in a tuxedo, and headed out the door to the Barnes and Noble. You prolly figured this out by now, but there is no plot, just a bunch of random events happening.

When he showed up, much to his dismay, he saw no girlfriend. He stomped his foot. He was mad as hell. However there was a release party for the release of Omen of the Stars book 6: Rise of the robot pirates. While he was reading the blurb, one of the hater teenagers said to him, 'Hey, Barney, at the end the Three create an army of robot ninjas to battle the evil pirates, but in the process Sandstorm and Graystripe die."

"Thanks for giving away the ending! Hrrrmmph!" Barney pouted. "Now there's no point in going on living, all because the final book in my favorite series is ruined! RUINED!"

Barney saw the gang laying down on the grass looking up at the clouds. Just for the sake of conformity, he decided to do the same. He was too busy fixing his gaze on the perpetually mutating clouds to notice the lawnmower that was fast approaching his head! The mower ran him over and the blade left his big purple head disfigured. "I love you, come give me a hug." They refused, instead they ran back away. It was approaching dinner time. This fact right here is an important plot point. You'll see.

Barney was teaching a Zumba class with the kids, with scented candles in there to set the mood. During one of the steps Barney demonstrated, he accidentally brushed against a candle and started smoking. Some of the older kids laughed and pointed.

"Oh boy, Barney's on fire!" they yelped with enthusiasm. Barney's purple pelt erupted in flames.

"Nobody put him out! Hang on while I get my digital camera, record it, edit in some unfitting music, like maybe the Big Laugh or the Benny Hill theme, both of which would make ANYTHING seem funny. And then upload it to YouTube."

"Sounds good."

"That Zumba workout has really worked up an appetite." Barney still continued to burn. Some of the older kids eyed him intently.

"Hey, why don't we eat the burning Dinosaur!"

"Yeah!" So they let Barney burn to death before dousing the flames consuming his body. Everyone got forks, knives, and plates, and dug in.

"I love the taste of Barney meat!"

"I hate you, you hate me, let's cook Barney on the grill, with a love for meat and some precious time to kill." Everyone sang in unison while enjoying the taste of purple dinosaur meat.

Meanwhile...

"Welcome to your eternity in hell, Barney! Mwahaha!" Satan laughed. Okay, that's just mean. Or is it?


End file.
